


puzzle piece

by winterghouls



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Resonance2020, all members at least makes a tiny appearance, but not heavily described for safety reasons, unrequited!nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28066938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterghouls/pseuds/winterghouls
Summary: jaemin goes through a series of changes setting him back and forth with his anxiety. he drifts from the rest of the members until he finally realised the detrimental effects of it, how he, ultimately, was losing grasp of his lover, renjun.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 74





	puzzle piece

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by jaemin's explosive introversion recently. though by the time i completed the fic, jaemin had been so much better so i'm thankful for that. 
> 
> the anxiety description is not major to avoid triggers.

In the nadir of adolescence at thirteen, all Jaemin knew was to live under Jaehyun’s guidance, following wherever he went, from vocal sessions to lunch time escapades. In every class they shared, Jaemin would not hesitate to slide himself into the seat beside him. So much so he rarely mixed around with other trainees, especially not those of his age. 

The only time he met someone of his age was when Mark joined Jaehyun and for a lunch outing with the other foreign members, Johnny and Ten. It was no surprise, though, that even after realising that they were not as intimidating as he thought, he still wanted to remain in Jaehyun’s shadow. 

Slipping on his favourite red checkered coat, Jaehyun grabbed his backpack and walked over to the front door. “Jaemin-ah, Taeil hyung and I are going for vocal practice. Why not you stay go up to play with Donghyuck and M--” 

“It’s okay, hyung. I’ll wait here for you to come home. We can play Call of Duty later on,” Jaemin pursed his lips after, almost regretting responding too fast. He knew Jaehyun was worried, but he thinks that there was nothing to worry about. Jaemin was perfectly fine on his own.

Jaehyun was indeed concerned with Jaemin. He thinks Jaemin should be mingling with other friends of his age, going to school and practising together. Even though he understood the younger, he could not help but to wonder what would happen after debuting. Jaehyun would often share his concerns with Taeil especially since he is the oldest hyung. Yet, no one including Taeil could understand the gravity of the problem. Taeil would say, _Let him be. He’s still young; Doyoung was like that before too, I told you._

Jaehyun knows that it was a little more than just that. Having Jaemin by his side all the time meant that he knew many things that other members didn’t. Including the way his parents were always out for business trips, leaving him to grow up alone with no one to talk to, and then returning only to brainwash him with talks about their company. Jaehyun wished for the better for Jaemin’s sake.

Being one of the first few trainees lined up for debut, Jaehyun naturally knew of SM’s future plans. What he knew was almost exclusively kept to himself. And more importantly, what he knew was that, if not today, Jaemin will struggle in the future. 

_True enough, he did._

It all came crumbling when he overheard an announcement of Jaehyun’s upcoming debut with Doyoung and Taeil. Fine if there was no Jaehyun, but _Doyoung and Taeil hyung too?_ Within a week, the three moved out of the SM Rookies dorm, and there he was, left all alone again. Jaemin was independent, given the circumstances that forced him to grow up. But it was because of that that he wanted someone to emotionally depend on, to be the company, and brother he never had. He always wanted to feel safe, someone to be by his side, to know that he is essentially not _all_ alone. 

Mark moved into the room where Jaemin used to share with Jaehyun, leaving no traces of his favourite hyung except for the bunk bed they so often fought over. Even though it took Jaemin eons to adjust to the presence of someone who was not Jaehyun, he realised that maybe things were not so bad after all. Except for the space, the mess, and Mark’s occasional difficulty with speaking Korean, they got along decently. 

Jaemin found himself genuinely enjoying his hangouts with Mark. He learned that to be two good friends, you don’t have to always be the same. Mark and him shared more differences than similarities, and for some reason Jaemin was unfamiliar with, it worked well. They were rarely on the same page, yet they still enjoyed each other’s presence. Mark was just someone _easy_ to be with. Jaemin barely felt the stress. And when Mark included Jaemin in his outings with Donghyuck, Jeno and Jisung, Jaemin realised that maybe making friends was not as daunting as he initially thought it was. 

When more older members moved out of the dormitory upon announcements of debut, he learned that there was a high possibility of the same age friends debuting together. With that, Jaemin vowed to give his all in the friendship, and in building the bonds together to make a team. 

The day he stood on stage with Mark, Donghyuck, Renjun, Jeno, Chenle and Jisung, he knew he found the friends he never wants to lose. Above all, he achieved the first steps to his dreams and he had his members, friends, _brothers_ , beside him. Though he may still have his self-doubts, he finally felt truly happy, happy with Dream. 

But that _dream_ was shattered one day, _unsurprisingly_. 

Jaemin had a streak of keeping things to himself, and that included mental, emotional and even physical pain. He was never one to complain about his plight. It was not the members’ fault that they missed the way Jaemin would crouch to relieve his pain mid practice, or the excessive patches on his back. His frequent back pains grew to extreme anxiety, and one day, when he fell down during practice and was rushed to the hospital, the rest of the members learned. 

_Herniated disc._

“I’m sorry, Na Jaemin-ssi. You have no choice but to withdraw from Dream promotions and schedules for the time being.” 

That night he plunged into a pool of self-hatred and misery. _Why is it always me?_

The thing he hated the most from his hiatus was the uncertainty. He went through day by day without knowing when he would return to the boys. Not knowing _if_ he would even return to the boys. For two years, he watched his friends enjoy and grow, and he felt like he was the only one left behind. Day and night he sat in the dorm in front of his console playing FIFA and PUBG to the point where he could play with his eyes closed. Although the members, his best friends, never failed to put in the effort to include him in activities and game nights, it was that exact effort that sometimes made him feel _different_.

Jaemin had always been aware of his temperament and that it is driven by the constant abandonments he faced throughout his life. That’s it, that was the only best friend he had. Abandonments.

Not quite. 

The day he was announced to return to Dream, he made another vow to himself: to mask his insecurities with confidence. Over the two years, he realised his insecurities didn’t work. Not with the fans, not with his members. So he approached it in a different way. After sticking to such a concept, Jaemin acknowledged that he was pretty good at it. He had thought long and hard about it, and he agreed that was the way to make it back into the scene. 

The last few months of his recovery, he had new found confidence, excelling in all his monthly evaluations. Adorning a whole new Na Jaemin, he came back with in triumph. He became all he _dreamed_ of being. 

His return to NCT Dream set off the boys into heights they never thought they could achieve. 

_Rapper Jaemin, Boyfriend Na Jaemin, Nana._

In his zone, Jaemin is loud, talkative and flirty. His return was loved by many, and that only fuelled the facade he stood behind. He reattached himself with his best friends as if the hiatus never happened. They would go on broadcasts laughing their hearts out, contented and relaxed. 

Dream became the most smooth-sailing unit out of the rest (except that one time Mark temporarily graduated from Dream). Needless to say, everyone was shocked by it. No one had expected Dream to be excelling so well. Mark returned to Dream partially because they were at the zenith of NCT, sealing Dream as a permanent unit. Jaemin was enraptured. He felt comfortable with Dream, he felt at home. 

Yet, even _that_ became a problem; 2020 had other plans for them.

In the monthly meeting, he sat uncomfortably in his seat, eyes fixated on the file in front of him that he left unread, refusing to lift his head to look at several of the unfamiliar faces. He knew, from hearsay, about NCT 2020 and the variant mixes of members for each single. The director began with the company’s overall plans and goals for the end of the year. And even though he visibly relaxed at the mention of Dream, he knew that it did not end there. 

_NCT U_. 

His mind couldn’t get rid of the echoing thought at the back of his mind. There were more than the established groups, and if he knew better, NCT U was always the subject of everyone’s apprehension and competition. 

_What if they placed me in another team? What if I can’t be with the boys? What if I have to withdraw? What if Dream can’t stay permanent? What if we had to promote all together?_ Before he knew it, anxiety washed over him, causing him to pick at the corner of his file before Jeno, sharp enough, stopped him. Jeno’s fingers momentarily wrapped around his small thighs and Jaemin turned his eyes to look at him. Jeno shook his head slowly, more for assurance, and then retracted and turned back to the Director. 

From the start of the announcement of schedules, Jaemin already pursed his lips in utter apprehension. “Renjun, Haechan, Chenle, Doyoung--” the Director began and Jaemin’s eyebrows knit into a frown in realisation. _Not Dream._ “Yuta, Kun and Taeil, recording on Monday at 7am.” 

  
_It’s okay, there’s still--_

“Jaemin, Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Lucas, Dejun, Shotaro, Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.” The names rang in Jaemin’s ear over and over again accompanied with an alarming panic. His thoughts clung onto the last few names of people he was not familiar with. He had never even talked to them as much before. _At least there’s Jaehyun hyung,_ he thought. 

What he did not realise was how the older members would end up being too busy handling the new ones, guiding them through unfamiliarities: the production process and camera sequences. In moments like those, Jaemin felt hopeless. Everyone else was busy with their new friends, while no one saw his struggles anymore. 

He did not blame them though.

The problem was, _he blames himself._

As he was the only member of his unit allocated in the Dream dorm, he would return home everyday in a solo van, staring at his phone the whole journey. Thinking that he could finally relax once he docked himself on the couch of his home was definitely a _wrong_ thought. _So wrong._ Each time he entered the dormitory, he would find Renjun, Chenle and Donghyuck laughing their asses off over god-knows-what. _Worse_ , occasionally with an addition of Yangyang, the new addition to the maknae line. 

Jaemin had just returned from his Make a Wish promotions which dragged on until late night, and the rest of the members were already comfortably sat in a circle with sets of cards in their hands. He did not make any effort to figure out _what_ game they were playing. Jaemin walked past them, unnoticed as a ghost. Or at least, he thought he was. Yet, he totally misses the way Yangyang and Jeno glanced at him, with Jeno’s eyes lingering until Jaemin went out of sight, disappearing into the room hallways.

“Why not ask Jaemin to do _it?_ ” Donghyuck taunted, causing Jaemin to halt at his bedroom door with fingers wrapped around the door knob. He obviously had no idea what the boys were talking about. Hearing his name called out in that manner made him feel queasy. A heartbeat later, a choir of hushes followed as if Jaemin was not meant to be there. _He feels like he wasn’t anyway._

When plans for the new reality show NCT World 2.0 were revealed, Jaemin knew it was not going to be pretty. A whole show where he had to mingle around with all _twenty-three_? He already felt exhausted from the sound of it. It was even _better_ when they announced that they will be split into teams for the third and fourth episode. Things only could get worse from here.

“Next team: Jaemin, Jeno, Haechan, Renjun, Yangyang, Shotaro.” 

No matter what Jaemin tried to tell himself, this was the first time he felt so unsettled being placed with his members. The past few days in the dormitory definitely proved his anxiety true. Now, he wondered if he would have rather been placed with other members instead. At this point, Jaemin felt like all he was doing was convincing himself that everything was fine. 

It was not.

He was right. Sitting at the corner of the table, he realised that maybe, just maybe, he would rather be in a different team this time. The boys crowded around the iPad where they were searching up for something, laughing in a hushed manner. Jaemin knew it had something to do with the arm wrestling game they were about to play, yet it still didn’t feel right. 

Jaemin wanted to leave so badly. 

He was with his boys, but he did not feel at home. He hated how easily he was replaced, that everyone was acting like he was non-existent. It was even worse than when he took the two years hiatus from promotions. He felt lonelier now. The more people surrounded him, the lonelier he felt. 

He glanced over to Jaehyun, hoping he would notice his plight, but _nothing_. Sure, they never failed to speak and spend time together but it had been years since Jaehyun and him shared the true brotherhood. Sighing, he looked back down at his phone and scrolled through Instagram while members shuffled about across the tables.

All of a sudden, he felt a shadow beside him with a deep and low whisper. “Na Jaemin, if you don’t turn off your phone right now, you’ll get it later. We’re filming, what are you thinking scrolling your damn phone.” Jaemin shut his eyes and inhaled deeply, not needing to know that the owner of such a threat was Doyoung. 

Jaemin _hated_ it here. 

Jaemin and Doyoung had weird dynamics. Before debuting, they shared a similar brotherhood (though unmatched with Jaehyun). In the past, Doyoung would approach Jaemin in the dormitory and keep him company through the night when Jaehyun was not around. He often helped Jaemin with his vocal evaluations as well. 

Ever since Make a Wish promotions commenced, their brotherhood rekindled, thankfully. More so because both of them were rather uncomfortable with strangers, so they stuck to one another like glue, like the brothers they were. But that was the problem. Like brothers, they were the most prone to quarrelling, arguing, fighting. While they matched in many ways, they clashed in all others. 

Jaemin is temperamental, Doyoung is too. And in all other circumstances that are not flowers and fairies, they would be the first one to fight. One self-righteous and the latter brutally honest, both unafraid to advocate their opinions. 

_“They know I have curfew. Why are they carrying on with the dinner? Can’t we shift it to another day? If one member can’t make it then why is it still going on?” Jaemin loathed the idea of a team dinner without him._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Not everything is about you,” Doyoung hissed, staring down at Jaemin in eyes filled with anger. “You know we have no other days for this dinner and we have to do it before the show. It’s not like you want to be there anyway.”_

_“Yeah, but it’s so obvious no one wants me there! Everyone does that! Exclude Jaemin this, exclude Jaemin th--”_

_“Then why not get yourself included!” Doyoung cuts, voice as sharp as a sword. “You shove yourself aside before anyone can include you. You’re blinded by your own self-hatred. Wake up, Na Jaemin!”_

He slid his phone into his pocket and glanced over to the right, watching the rest of his teammates laughing and mocking the strategies the other team is failing at. His mind was stuck on the way Yangyang blended in so easily with the group, and he knows why. Yangyang is fun to be with, and they would obviously rather be with him. 

Jaemin, though, doesn’t necessarily loathe Yangyang. What he loathed was how easily he was being replaced. The rare times he was faced with him, he learned that the latter was pretty easy to get along with. Yangyang often slept over the Dream dorm, and of all those instances, there was once that Jaemin found himself settling down on the couch beside him. 

_Are you sleeping over? Are you waiting for someone? Isn’t it too late not to be back at the dorms? What are you still doing here? Jaemin wondered which of the array of questions he should ask._

_“Not asleep?” Jaemin asked simply in the end._

_“Can’t sleep,” Yangyang explained. “I usually don’t… get good sleep. Horrible nightmares, so I get afraid to even close my eyes.”_

_That was the first time Jaemin saw vulnerability in Yangyang, and he decided that maybe he was not the bright cheerful kid everyone thought he was. He wondered if the rest knew of this. When he realised that Yangyang had asked the same in return, it took awhile for him to respond. It had been awhile since he opened himself up to others._

_“Me? Uh. I like being awake at night when others are asleep. I feel like I can be myself.”_

_“You don’t feel particularly comfortable with the rest recently, do you?” Yangyang asked, in the most genuine and non-intrusive manner. Jaemin felt something caught up in his throat, unsure of what to feel at the fact that someone noticed. Someone at least knew how he felt. Yet he felt so bare. The silence from Jaemin prompted a continuation from Yangyang. “I hope it’s not because of me.”_

_With that, Jaemin quickly shook his head to Yangyang’s relief. “They’re loud, and all, unlike me. And,” he pauses to catch his losing breath. “It’s probably that they have a new friend, you know. It could’ve been someone else too.”_

_Yangyang grinned, and Jaemin swore he never knew he had such a healing smile. “Hey, you’re making me sound like a new toy!” he laughed, nudging Jaemin jokingly._

_Surprisingly, it brought Jaemin into a trail of laughter as well. And for the rest of the night, they talked._

\--

The day Make a Wish won, Jaemin was so happy that everyone’s hard work including his own paid off. There was a lot that went into this promotion, from the production to the recording, the choreography and performance. If Jaemin was honest to himself, it was one of his proudest participations and he was relieved that the team was not as bad as he initially feared to be. 

Worse of it all, Renjun. Jaemin decided that out of the most painful drifts he had the past month, it was Renjun. Renjun and him shared something special, something no one could ever come close to having with him. Most of Jaemin’s time and effort went to Renjun. He did not know what about his small frame, curious eyes and softness that he found himself gravitating to, but he admits that there was no one he’d rather have. 

During the encore stage, anxiety creeped up his bones when he watched the From Home team walk onstage to join them. He wanted to run away. Everyone mingled with one another, almost every of his members paired with the other. He turned towards Renjun’s direction, an instinct for Jaemin after celebrating awards after awards together since Dream. Yet, he stood there rooted to the ground, in the middle of Taeyong and Dejun, holding the award in his hand. 

They had changed so much just in a week. Even though he tried not to think much of it, he could not help but to feel the aching sensation in his chest. Bouncing awkwardly to the music while the rest _partied_ around him, he glanced over at Renjun hesitantly as he laughed with Dejun. A brief flash of his past stages with NCT Dream dashed through his mind.

_“Carrying each other? Are you sure you can carry me?” Renjun squeaked. “You’re so weak!”_

_“You’re the easiest to carry. What are you? 50kg! Who am I supposed to carry, Donghyuck?” Jaemin snorted. “Better me carrying you than you carrying me!”_

_Unbeknownst to him, Donghyuck gaped at him with an offended gaze; While Jisung and Jeno chuckled at the sight, Jaemin’s eyes were stuck onto Renjun too much to realise it._

_“Now I’m offended!” Renjun retorted, folding his arms before huffing. “Fine. God. I’ve never dreaded a win in my entire life before…”_

_Later that performance, Renjun clutched his fingers behind Jaemin’s neck tightly while singing his heart out, more so out of fear that he might be thrown off stage. Though they didn’t last as long as the rest of the members, there was one thing Jaemin learned from that few seconds. Jaemin decided that Renjun was his favourite thing to hold._

Jaemin missed having Renjun sneak up in his bed beside him each time there was a thunderstorm, or at any adversity. Jaemin and Renjun were inseparable as beauty and love. Throughout his whole life, all Jaemin knew were losses. Meeting Renjun had changed it all. Even his best friends admitted that Jaemin had improved so much. He ridded all the isolation and self deprecation he held before his relationship with Renjun bloomed. 

_“Luo Zaimin,” Renjun called as he stumbled into Jaemin’s room, followed by a random ramble in Mandarin that Jaemin obviously did not understand. He eyed Renjun curiously and in slight panic. He watched the way his chest rose and fell and his arms flailing about. With the basic mandarin that Jaemin had, he could only pick out that something happened during practice, and he fucked up some conversation with a teacher._

_“Baby,” Jaemin whispered, reaching out to wrap an arm around Renjun’s waist._

_  
_ _It worked. His rambles ceased and his eyes were glued onto Jaemin’s, this time relaxed yet unreadable. Jaemin knew that Renjun was always at the verge of hyperventilating when ranting, and Renjun hated that he would always call him to make him relax. It works, always works. But a whole wave of panic seizes after._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“J-just you calling m--” Renjun stuttered._

_“I meant your rant. What’s wrong?”_

_Renjun’s eyes widened and a blush of pink tainted his cheeks. He cleared his throat after a silent ‘oh.’ “Just-- No, nothing important.” Being in Jaemin’s arms rid all his exasperation earlier. Mainly because now his mind was all on the taller boy in front of him that smelled like a concoction of geranium and white musk._

_“Fine, come here then,” Jaemin chuckled after a brief brush of his nose onto Renjun’s jaw. He pulled Renjun into bed and they laid there side by side, talking about their day, talking their night away._

Even when Jaemin looked away, Renjun and Dejun’s laughter echoed throughout the stage. He could imagine vividly how Renjun had his head thrown back and hands clapping while laughing. The pad of his fingers drummed the metallic surface of the award in his hands. Unknowingly, he began to feel a surge of panic coursing through his veins. No matter where he turned his head to, everyone was laughing while lingering amidst one another. All of a sudden, he felt suffocated, like the air around him was escaping.

As soon as the lights dimmed, his legs led him backstage. As if on autopilot, he rushed to the waiting room. Almost dropping the award from his hands, he dropped it onto the dressing table and leaned forward, gasping for air and eyes shut. Just a heartbeat later, he felt a familiar warmth slipping through the gaps of his fingers. 

Jaemin kept his eyes closed and grabbed tightly onto the warmth in desperate attempts to calm himself down. 

“You’re okay,” the voice whispered in a soft husky tone.

A loud high pitch rang in his ears and it muffled the voice in his ears. He gripped onto the side of the table, this time trying to regain his senses to recognise the owner of the voice. 

When the door opens once again and a few members walk in, Jaemin snapped out of his trance and turned sharply to the shadow remnants of the person who was just behind him.

_Gone._

His brows knit into a frown as he scans around the room, and more importantly at the four members who had just entered the room. Though his vision blurred, he tried to match the owner of the voice to the people who just walked in. _None_. He was sure it was not any of them. 

Still, he sighed in relief to see members of his own team, more importantly, his Taeil hyung. Though discreetly, Taeil exchanged a concerned gaze with Jaemin after noticing the sweat drops on his face. When Jaemin offered a small nod, Taeil visibly relaxed. 

The next day was deja vu. 

But _worse._

Right after Make a Wish, the members gathered for the encore stage again, standing in the same position as yesterday, except Shotaro on Jaemin’s right, Jaemin clasped both hands together not knowing what to expect. Next to Shotaro was not at all bad: even though he had never talked to the latter much before, they still promoted under the same unit and they had to cooperate for one of the parts. On the other side was yet again, Dejun. 

By now, Jaemin realised that wherever Dejun is, Renjun would follow. 

The From Home members joined onstage and gave out microphones to the others. Jaemin started to grow antsy when he saw Renjun emerging and approaching from backstage. When their eyes met, Jaemin thought that he could look away, but it turned out harder than he expected. Though his mind screamed at him to look away, his heart wanted to admire Renjun. How good he looked with his maroon blazer on, hair neatly combed to the side. 

_It was not a date, Jaemin told himself repeatedly. Do not think much of it._

_Yet, all thoughts dissipated into the air the moment Renjun walked out of his room. His dusty pink hair was slicked back, unlike his signature look with fringe hanging behind his glasses. He was adorned with slightest blush on his cheeks, and a silver choker around his neck. His belt wrapped around his lithe waist, disappearing behind his leather jacket that, oh, he suits so well._

_“Hi,” Jaemin uttered stupidly._

_“I look good, don’t I?” Renjun grinned teasingly, rubbing his palm on the side of his jacket._

_“Yeah,” Jaemin began, to Renjun’s surprise. “Yeah, you do.”_

Renjun, though fully aware of the pair of eyes on him, did not turn to reciprocate. He stopped right at Dejun’s foot and hoisted the microphone up ambiguously. Though Dejun grabbed onto the microphone first, he quickly let go the moment he noticed Jaemin and Shotaro at the corner of his vision. It was clear who Renjun wanted to give it to even if he couldn’t even face the latter properly, and he could feel the sheer nervousness from the two who _wanted_ Jaemin to have it first. 

Shotaro and Dejun were indeed no strangers to the situation with Jaemin and Renjun, or well, with the rest. They were present whenever Doyoung confronted Jaemin and his attitude in the middle of practices, filmings, photoshoots. 

To their surprise though _(or not)_ , Jaemin tore his eyes away and walked away. Shotaro knew he had to do _something_ , so to make the situation less awkward for Renjun, he grabbed the microphone and disappeared to the back of the stage, evading the situation altogether. 

The apprehension was most evident in Dejun’s eyes. Truth be told, he felt caught up between the both of them. After spending hours in the team, it was inevitable that Dejun knew at least the gist of Jaemin’s perspective. Yet, he also knew Renjun’s. Renjun first approached Dejun during one of their buddy systems during Mandarin classes where they had to pair with a Korean. They spent a lot of time together coming up with a curriculum for the members, and naturally, hung out often. Over time, Dejun became someone Renjun could talk about his concerns to through day and night. Concerns about his family, friends, members, practices, _himself_. Concerns that Jaemin never knew Renjun had.

The tension on the stage could be felt by anyone surrounding them. Everyone knew it. Everyone knew Jaemin had not been himself. Everyone knew how intimately close Jaemin and Renjun were, so everyone knew how _odd_ it was they were acting. Someone had to do something about it, but that something would not be possible, if no one was able to approach Jaemin. 

Renjun slid back beside Dejun and muttered something in Mandarin which could be heard in the slight distance Jaemin was at. _Of course,_ he thought. 

Soon enough, Kun emerged from behind, handing over a microphone to Jaemin. Jaemin turned to glance at Kun before looking away, refusing to receive it. Kun, ticked at the way Jaemin ignored him, stepped forward and once again nudged Jaemin with the microphone. With eyes barely reaching Kun, Jaemin caught a glimpse of Renjun at the sidelines, still uttering things in Mandarin, to which Kun could clearly understand. 

Dejun inhaled deeply with wavering eyes, unsure what to do, or how to act. He wanted to calm Renjun down as he could the anger seething through his hisses. Yet, he also knew the anxiety and apprehension Jaemin had been going through.

“Jaemin, _stop it_ and take this,” Kun mumbled under his breath with a glare before Jaemin finally complied.

When Kun walked away, Jaemin rolled his eyes and pursed his lips after, holding his breath. 

In utter annoyance, Renjun made his way across the other side of the stage. 

Jaemin wanted nothing but to leave.

_He really hated it here._

Seeing how Renjun needed company, Dejun found himself in the same van as Renjun on the way to the next schedule, a 2020 photoshoot filming. Dejun mainly sat quietly beside the younger, listening to the endless rambles and rants about how _ridiculous_ Jaemin was being _._

“Can you believe it?” Renjun flailed his arms. “He won’t even look at me! Didn’t know I was that--”

“You didn’t look at him either,” Dejun mumbled cautiously. 

“I DID! It was so obvious who I was giving the--” 

Dejun jolted from the sudden vibration in his pocket. Sighing, he mouthed an apology to Renjun and answered the call. From the start, Dejun spoke close to nothing. When he glanced at Renjun mid conversation, the latter grew curious. 

“What is it?” Renjun asked. 

“Uh, our schedules got postponed so I won’t be dropping off with you,” Dejun whispered cautiously in Mandarin. From his peripheral vision, he saw Kun turn slightly towards their direction from the front seat. Obviously, Kun, being part of the management chats, would have known of the situation first before anyone else. _Dejun wanted to disappear._

“Postponed, why? Isn’t the photoshoot imp--” Renjun halted mid-sentence. 

_Jaemin._

Renjun’s eyes flared with anger and Dejun panicked once again. 

“Jaemin had to be brought home, he’s not feeling well,” Kun explained, voice coated with nonchalance.

“ _Da ge_ ,” Dejun shrieked. Renjun did not have to know that. 

“Hyung,” Renjun cleared his throat before calling out for their manager. “Is it okay if you drop me off at the dorm for a while? I’ll make my way there later, I just… forgot my jacket.” 

_Since they would be the only ones home,_ Renjun thought, _it would be the perfect time to speak to him._

Dejun’s eyes widened and when he reached out for Renjun’s shoulder, he didn’t budge. With that, he knew Renjun was resolute with his decision. As soon as they arrived at the dormitory, Dejun and Renjun alighted and headed for the elevator. Before Renjun stepped out of the elevator (Dejun’s dormitory was on another level), Dejun spoke in attempts to comfort him, “Renjun-ah, be careful with Jaemin?” 

For a brief second, Renjun’s eyes flashed with concern and curiosity. But his anger was too overpowering and the concern disintegrated within seconds. 

Renjun harshly keyed in the password to the door. In fact, it took him a few tries before he managed to get in. He stormed into the house. “Na Jaemin!” he called out, voice velted with anger. He found Jaemin in his room, seated at the edge of the bed that they used to share. Jaemin looked up at Renjun with glassy eyes, but Renjun was too overwhelmed with anger to even notice. “Na Jaemin, what is your fucking problem?” 

He looked at Renjun exasperatedly, partially shocked that he had returned, from his loud voice echoing throughout the room, and also from his emotions overflowing. Jaemin remembered admiring a flared up Renjun. Renjun always looked attractive when he was angry. _But not this time._ There was something in the way he had pronounced his name and it sliced every vein of Jaemin’s heart. 

Taking a deep breath, Jaemin averted his attention to something else. Even after all that had been happening, all the unsettledness, and all the negativity, all he wanted was his days with Renjun to return, for Renjun to settle back into his arms once again. He did not know what boiled down to this very moment, but he wished this had not happened. 

“Honestly what are you doing, Jaemin? We are having such a hard time trying to put everyone and everything together, and you are not doing _anything._ ”

“Leave me alone.” 

“Why?” he contended as a statement rather than a question. 

“I want to be alone.” 

“I’m sick of tired having to answer to everyone why my fucking _‘boyfriend’_ is being like this,” Renjun spat. The word _boyfriend had_ never sounded so vile. “You think no one notices you, but we all do. You are inconveniencing _everyone_. You know that?”

“ _Renjun,_ ” a voice sounded from the doorframe. 

Jeno. 

Jaemin’s brows knit into a frown. _That voice._ Something in the way his voice sounded, triggered something in Jaemin, but he did not know why. As if his mind belatedly returned to the scene, he took a few moments before he eyed Jeno and his calm demeanour. 

“Great, your _Prince Charming_ is here, Jaemin,” Renjun muttered, rolling his eyes. 

“Renjun, what did I tell you,” Jeno barked, clearly at the verge of annoyance as well. 

_What did he tell him?_

At this point of time, Jaemin realised that he did not know what the two were talking about. The only thing he knew was that his heart ached being in this situation. Fights broke out often in a dorm of 7 boys, granted. But there were limits to the intensity they were allowed to be at, and surely this was not the kind of argument anyone wanted in a team. 

_“Why can’t I play? This is Dream zone! I’m entitled!” Jisung grumbled, his long arms folded._

_“No, Jisungie! This is 00z zone!” Donghyuck grinned childishly. “I’m sorry, but we had only four slots, four controllers and,” he paused. “00z privileges. Try again when you are reborn?”_

_Donghyuck laughed and the rest followed suit._

_“Mark hyung!” Jisung whined, reaching out to grab Mark’s sleeve as he almost evaded the scene._

_“Ah, Jisung let them be. That… whatever game is not even fun,” Mark said nonchalantly._

_“Hyung,” Chenle frowned at Mark’s explanation. “Jisung, you emerged late in the first place. They asked me but I refused to play. They’re not singling you out. Don’t worry too much.”_

_“Next round?” Jisung frowned, with a hint of hope in his voice._

_“Fine, fine. Renjun and I are sitting out the next round anyway,” Jaemin started, smirking playfully. “Need some private time.”_

_“What?!” Renjun gasped, unaware of such plans._

_The members ooh-ed in the background and Jaemin laughed. “Kidding. But I’m really sitting out the next round so Jisung you can join.”_

_They continued with their games until they broke out into a fit of laughter seeing Jeno lost. Jaemin threw his controller onto the table and pumped both his fists in the air in victory. Seeing Jeno’s sullen and beaten expression, Renjun looped his arms around Jaemin and Donghyuck’s waist and leaned forward to give a teasing laugh. Jaemin learns, the peak enjoyment of playing games is not about who wins and who loses; it is that irreplaceable bond you build with the people you play with, and when everyone laughs together._

_At the end of the round, Jaemin hears Donghyuck whisper while leaning his head on Jeno’s shoulder._

_"Us 00z, no one can break us apart."_

Here, he was standing at the cracked edge of the 00z, with a fissure threatening to them to break apart. Misunderstandings piled up into explosiveness. And somewhere, somehow, it was tearing them into shreds. 

“Where’s Donghyuck?” Jaemin whispered so soft Jeno almost missed it. Donghyuck being the most sensitive in the group, gets easily affected by conflicts amongst them. The last thing Jaemin wanted him to know is of such fights. He knows that it bothers him for days and weeks, and Jaemin did not want that. 

Jeno heaved a soft sigh after hearing Jaemin’s voice, “He’s--” 

“From Home has a schedule in thirty.” 

“Then why are you h--”

“To wake your fucking ass up!” Renjun raised his voice once more and Jeno gripped onto his arm, to which Renjun yanked away. “You think the world revolves around you, Jaemin?” 

_“Not everything is about you. Wake up, Na Jaemin!” Doyoung’s voice echoed in his ears._

Jaemin felt lightheaded. It was all too much. Both Renjun and Doyoung’s words resonated in his ears, accompanied by a cacophony of memories he shared with Renjun that he just wanted back. His fingers began to tremble and his vision clouded once again. He averted his unfocused eyes somewhere else in desperate attempts to calm down. Eventually, he shut them and let out a soft whimper escape his lips. 

Jeno widened his eyes and rushed over to Jaemin, kneeling in front of him. Carefully, he slipped his fingers into Jaemin’s feeble ones. 

_Familiarity._

As if it happened before, Jaemin tightened his grip onto Jeno’s.

When Jeno turned around, Renjun was gone. For some reason, he felt relieved. 

Jeno reverted his attention back to Jaemin; he had never seen the latter so weak before. He traced his features, the way strands of his platinum blonde hair fell, obscuring his eyes and his chapped lips parted, tiny breaths escaping. The two boys remained in that position for a long while and Jeno refused to move until Jaemin’s trembles finally ceased. 

“Thank you,” Jaemin croaked, as if he had not spoken in years. 

Jeno blinked, pulling away to look up at him. The corner of his lips spread into the sweetest smile anyone could possibly adorn. “Jaemin-ah,” he whispered with a smile reaching his eyes. “You’re okay.” 

Hearing the same husky voice he did the day before, Jaemin’s heart stopped. His lips parted to say something that never escaped.

_It was you, wasn’t it? That day?_

\--

When schedules for the team were cancelled, Taeyong called for an emergency meeting in the dorm. As soon as they arrived, Taeyong leaned back against the wall of the dining room, facing the rest of them who formed a semi-circle in front of him. He took a deep breath before carefully choosing his words. Though no one said a thing, everyone could guess what the leader wanted to talk about.

“Okay, it’s time to address the problem right in front of us. Does anyone know what’s going on with Jaemin?” Taeyong started, breaking the silence with his inquisitive leader's voice, straight to the point. 

Another streak of silence followed. It becomes a serious issue whenever Taeyong has to voice out. Sure, he always kept the responsibility of addressing an issue how small. But seeing the state and position they were in, they all knew it was serious and cannot be evaded.

Taeyong took notice of the way Doyoung hung his head low, clearly guilty of something. But he had a streak of wanting people to speak up for themselves. 

Lucas studied everyone’s expressions, knowing that they all had something to say yet remained silent. Instead, he spoke up first, “He’s surprisingly okay speaking to me.”

“Me too. But he can be quiet, that’s all,” Shotaro added, struggling mid sentence with his broken Korean, making Taeyong’s lips curl up into a smile. “I don’t know him well enough to know, but he seems weird with the rest.”

“Thank you,” Taeyong whispered in genuine gratitude, and after a long pause, “Jaehyun?”

The word so clearly enunciated by Taeyong sent a heavy weight in the air. There was no need for an explanation as to why such an effect was there. Jaehyun was Jaemin’s brother from before, and if anything, they would assume that Jaehyun knew of something first.

“I-” Jaehyun hesitated, a wave of regret washing over him. He combed his fingers through his hair, looking at the leader helplessly. The only thing Jaehyun knew were _outdated_. Things Jaemin went through when he was younger, and suddenly, Jaehyun didn’t know if he was still going through the same thing. He felt like he had been neglecting the younger too much. 

Taeyong notices everyone. He really does. He even noticed the way Doyoung’s bangs concealed tears that were threatening to fall. He also noticed the way Dejun’s face distorts into one of apprehension and dilemma. But he waited, he waited until someone took the initiative to speak. 

“Jaemin had not been well recently. It was my mistake that I have not been giving much attention to it,” Taeyong continued after another long break of silence. “But I know from,” he paused in realisation he should keep Jeno’s to himself. “Well, that he had been having panic attacks.”

Jaehyun's heart broke. He knew of Jaemin’s anxiety. He never knew it was still there through all the smiles and laughter. The boy sure concealed it well.

“We should be taking care of each other, not neglecting. But what’s more important now is that I just,” Taeyong inhaled deeply to keep his composure. “I just want to know if anyone knows anything before I tell you what I do.”

Dejun glanced at Doyoung on his side after seeing tears falling from his peripheral vision. He reached out to Doyoung’s hand and offered a light squeeze. “Hyung,” he whispered soft but loud enough for Doyoung to hear. 

When Taeyong’s eyes locked with Dejun’s, the latter opened his mouth to say something, but shut it right after. Dejun did not know what to do. He knew of the problem, yet it was not his position to say anything. Doyoung turned his palm over to slide it into Dejun’s the moment he felt his hand tremble in nervousness, causing him to tear his eyes away from Taeyong and onto him. He felt his heartbeat in his ears and it took him all his physical strength to stop from faltering.

“Dejun, you know what happened don’t you?” Lucas hesitantly spoke in Mandarin. 

Taeyong raised his eyebrow. Being one of the Korean members fluent in Mandarin, he knew what was happening. Taeyong knew that Lucas knew this, so he wondered what his purpose was. 

“Tell him.” 

By now, Dejun was quick enough to realise that Taeyong was actively listening to their conversation.

“I cannot say. It’s Renjun’s secret.” Dejun muttered nonetheless after realising that if anything, at least the rest would not be understanding. 

“You can tell me in private too, if you need to,” Taeyong spoke up, breaking their conversation. 

Dejun pursed his lips and felt Doyoung’s grip tighten onto his. 

Everyone gave Dejun moments to search for the right words. Although they wanted to know, no one wanted him to spill information he was meant to keep. He inhaled deeply before beginning carefully, “During free time, I’m always sitting at the corner and I can see Jaemin and I think he feels lonely. He always had the other members to talk to but here I think he feels bad. I tried to talk to him but I don't know what to say. He’s a bit difficult to talk to.” 

Upon saying it, Doyoung flicked his fringe to look up at Dejun with glassy eyes. In a turmoil of emotions, he felt a mix and amazement and shame for the way that Dejun could recognise Jaemin’s emotions, but he had failed to.

“There are things I can’t share but what I can say is that Jaemin doesn’t feel comfortable at home now either,” his voice lowered into a whisper, slow and hesitant. “I don’t think he has anyone to talk to.” 

Taeyong nodded in acknowledgement before turning his head back to Jaehyun. 

“Jaehyun, can you talk to Jaemin?” 

“I wi--” Doyoung offered.

“No,” Taeyong cut him almost instantly. “That won’t end well.” 

Truthfully, Jeno had approached Taeyong on the day of their Make a Wish win. He had initially dropped by the building to confide in Taeyong about the situation amongst the members. What he did not expect was to witness Jaemin’s attack. Jeno immediately reported it to Jaemin out of sheer panic and concern. 

“I will, hyung,” Jaehyun whispered, eyes avoiding. 

“Right. That’s all then. Schedule at 9pm, don’t be late,” Taeyong held his hands together and walked away, disappearing into the room.

Lucas heaved a sigh of relief and rubbed his chest. One of the few people Lucas, everyone, feared the most was indeed Taeyong. Especially in his leader mode. 

Everyone dispersed but Doyoung still stood rooted in the same spot as he was, with Dejun beside him, stroking the back of his palm with his thumb. 

Few moments later, Doyoung took a step closer to Dejun and slipped his arms around his waist. 

“It’s not your fault hyung, ” Dejun whispered, leaning his lips right beneath the latter’s lobe. 

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung muttered. “That you have to be so stuck in between all of us like this.”

Dejun did not know how he ended up being caught in between this way. But he adored all three of them. Jaemin and him had shared conversations and generally a nice person to work with, especially to dance with. Renjun is essentially his best friend in the group outside of WayV. _And Doyoung._

The first day Dejun met Doyoung, he learned that the world had more colours than he had initially learned. Including a mystical ash purple. 

_Dejun walked into the SM Conference Hall, steps heavy and slow. He had never had to attend big conferences and seminars as held by SM since he had mainly promoted under WayV. He had arrived early to save himself from the awkwardness of walking into the room with a good majority of people he didn’t know._

_When he entered, Lucas was already there, sitting with Jungwoo and Johnny. Lucas stood up to greet Dejun with a consoling pat, along with words of comfort. Lucas knew Dejun dreaded the day such a meeting would happen, that he was not prepared to ever face or meet some of the bigger names in NCT. Pulling away from Lucas, he circled the table to look for the chair that had his name labelled on. His eyes traced the seats beside him, thankful to have at least Hendery sitting beside him. Then, they lingered a little longer to the other empty seats, especially those of Taeyong, Jaehyun, Mark._

_He nervously fidgeted with his nails underneath the table, eyes glued to the black file on the table before him. It never occurred to him to look through the file in advance. And even if it did, his nerves would’ve overpowered so much so he would not be able to understand a single word._

_“Daebak,” a familiar voice reached Dejun’s ears and his head snapped up when he realised it was none other than Taeyong’s. Unknowing if he should stand up or not, he instead offered a smile and bowed his head a little just as the rest did._

_“The last time we came here, the tables were just half filled, now they need extra chairs.”_

_Dejun recognised the wide-eyed doe that reflected a charm so different from those of Taeyong’s. Kim Doyoung. Hands in pockets, arm veins slightly protruding. Lips, bow and curved, parted in wonder. His eyes were fixated on the latter’s face, full of amazement. Clearly used to the scene with unfamiliar people, Doyoung settled down diagonally opposite Dejun. The mystical ash purple hair suited him so well._

_When Dejun finally averted his eyes away, only did he notice that Yangyang was seated right beside Doyoung. The boy had the slightest tiny smirk across his lips while staring at Dejun, knowing exactly what he was staring at. Dejun cleared his throat in pretense before looking over at Hendery who adorned a similar expression._

_“What?” he huffed before taking the file in his hands and flipping it to the first page._

_Only after a few moments he found himself staring again. The boy’s glassy wide eyes sparkled underneath the lights of the room, adorning a smile so bright._

_Dejun pursed his lips. He never knew Doyoung looked this good in person._

“Hyung, do you want to go in?” Dejun whispered, fingers lightly stroking the dip on Doyoung’s back. 

He nodded wordlessly before pulling away from Dejun, leading them into the room. 

Doyoung sat on the bed and rested his fingers on his lap. Dejun sat beside him and after a while of silence, he offered an open palm towards Doyoung. When Doyoung turned to look at him, Dejun glanced at him with a smile, opening his palm wider. Without hesitation this time, he took his hand in his and held it tightly. 

“Jaemin will be fine,” Dejun reassured, squeezing the hand in his. “Don’t let your guilt eat you up. If it bothers you, you should talk to Jaemin. But as Taeyong said, be careful with him,” he said after some struggle. “I’ll be there for you if it gets bad.”

Doyoung nodded and hummed afterwards. “Stay here.” 

“Yeah, I can stay for the night if you want to.”

“I mean always. Stay with me always.” 

\--

Jaehyun came over to the younger’s dorm. When he knocked on Jaemin’s room, Jeno opened the door. He tilted his head as if searching through the crevices of his memories. _Jeno doesn’t sleep here, does he?_ He noticed the big spot beside Jaemin and knew they had been lying together.

_Change of plans._

Seeing how Jaemin was fast asleep, Jaehyun whispered, “Jeno, can I talk to you?”

Jaehyun tried his best to not sound like an interrogation when he asked Jeno about Jaemin’s wellbeing. Jeno began by explaining the recent incidents, especially his panic attack during the music show. Jaehyun did not say much throughout, only nodding in understanding. 

A hint of regret lingers after. He wished he had continued to be there for Jaemin. 

“What’s going on between you and Jaemin?” 

“Nothing,” Jeno replied simply. 

Sensing no tone of denial, Jaehyun carefully proceeded. “I don’t know, Jeno, looking at the whole thing with Xiaojun involved… I’m pretty sure it has to do something with Renjun. I’m not assuming, I’m just--” 

“I like Jaemin, hyung.”

“Jeno--” 

“I know, Jaemin and Renjun have a thing. I know that. But what can I do I really love--” 

“Jeno,” he repeated, voice lowered into a hushed whisper, and this time Jeno realised that Jaehyun was staring past his shoulders.

Jeno turned around and his eyes were met with an exasperated Donghyuck. 

“Hyuck--” 

Jeno’s heart sank. _Fuck._

“Hyuck,” Jeno croaked. “Hyuck, how far… how far have you been listening?” 

“Where’s Jaemin?” he mumbled, voice weak and eyes averting to the ground. 

“He’s in the room, sleeping. Hyuck--”

Jaehyun stood there watching the two of them. 

The crestfallen Donghyuck walked past them and entered straight into the room Jaemin is in.

“Have you talked to Renjun about this?” Jaehyun asked as if nothing happened. 

“I _have_ ,” Jeno emphasised. “But he won’t give me room to explain. I’m not after Jaemin. I just can’t help the way I feel. What do you want me to _do_?” 

“Does Jaemin like you too?”

Jeno fluttered his eyes shut. _He wished._

“No, no he doesn’t. I don’t think Renjun gets that.”

Donghyuck fitted himself in the space beside Jaemin. It was something the best friends often did. On movie and game nights, all of them would be sprawled across the mat in the living room, legs tangled around each other. 

Donghyuck seeing Dream shattering in front of his eyes made him feel crumbled. He was watching everything falling apart without knowing what was happening. Even with the small stuff, the members often hid it from Donghyuck, only because they refused to upset him. They knew that beneath the mask of laughter and nonchalance, a thread of fear would storm up in him. 

Jaemin shifted in his sleep.

“Jaem?” Donghyuck peeked up at Jaemin.

“Renjun…” Jaemin mumbled groggily.

_“I like Jaemin,” Jeno’s voice rang in Donghyuck’s ear._

It’s easy to say that Donghyuck was distraught. He had his whole heart and soul offered to his best friends, and seeing what he idealised fragmenting in his eyes was heart wrenching. From the start, he had already sensed Jeno’s feelings towards Jaemin: the stolen glances, lingering smiles and yearning touches. Yet, he pushed the thought away, in denial that it could potentially break them apart.

Jaehyun stayed. He came to talk to Jaemin, so he waited. When the other Dreamies returned, they fell silent seeing the unusual sight of Jaehyun being in the living room. 

It was almost midnight and Jaemin left the room while messing his hair. 

“Slept well?” Jaehyun offered a smile.

Jaemin pursed his lips into a small smile. He felt as if he had woken up to those days. 

_“Hyung! Hyung! You’re home!” Jaemin beamed, running towards Jaehyun, attacking him with a big wide bear hug._

_“What did you do today, Min-ah?”_

_“Doyoung hyung played Fifa with me for a bit. Can you believe it? He is soooo bad,” he hushed towards the end of his speech, looking back at Doyoung in pity._

_“Yah--”_

Maybe this was all he needed, his Jaehyun hyung. As if recovered from his hours of sleep, a smile reached Jaemin’s lips. 

“Jeno’s been there lots for you recently,” Jaehyun said as a matter of fact and Jaemin merely nodded. “I’m sorry, that I have not been. Being here makes me miss the old days. I missed you, my brother.” 

The corner of Jaemin’s lips curled into a smile. “Same goes, hyung. I’m sorry.” 

A silence followed. 

“I… I saw Renjun earlier. It scared me a lot. His eyes, he did not look at me the same way he always did. His cheeks were reddened with anger and his voice was so, so sharp,” Jaemin trailed off, feeling a tinge of discomfort from opening up. Jaehyun remained silent, merely giving him the space to think and express himself. “Doyoung hyung said the same words as Renjun. It kind of woke me up.”

He paused.

“Have I been that bad? I even dreamt that Renjun withdrew from us, and everyone started blaming me, and forcing me to quit.”

At this, Jaehyun chuckled, causing Jaemin to frown. “Hyung, I’m serious!” 

“Yeah, no, I know,” Jaehyun smiled and ruffled his hair.

What Jaemin never noticed that at the door behind them, slightly ajar, Renjun was watching through the small cracks with a slight smile. Not wanting to ruin the moment, he closed the door once again and left for the other dorms. 

“Jaemin, I want you to do two things. Talk to Jeno, hear what he’s got to say.”

“What’s with Jeno? Did something happen to him?” Jaemin’s eyes widened.

“Shh, nothing. It’s not my place to say it, but don’t worry too much.” 

“What’s the other?” 

“Talk things out with Renjun.”

\--

“Yo, Jaemin!” Jaehyun offered, launching himself forward to Jaemin with their signature handshake. 

Jaemin was visibly lighter after each schedule, and it sent a smile across everyone’s faces. Everyone jumped on their feet and gathered around Jaemin with a group hug. It was a waste that their promotions were coming to an end, yet they promised to make the last moments memorable. 

In the waiting room after their last stage, the members gathered around the table, the older ones sitting on the couch, Dejun on the arm rest and Jaemin on the singular armchair by their side. They celebrated the end of their large stage with stacks of pizza, boxes of chicken and bottles of coke. 

Jaemin took a double take towards Doyoung’s direction. Though initially Doyoung had thought that Jaemin was looking at him, he realised he was looking at the way his fingers entangled with Dejun’s right at the space between them. 

The corner of Jaemin’s lips turned into a smirk. _Did you think no one would see that?_ His eyes spoke. And as if it was transmitted successfully, Doyoung retracted his hand from Dejun’s.

“Doyoung hyung,” Jaemin called out in a teasing voice, causing the latter to wince. “You sure have lots to tell me.” 

The rest of the members turned to Jaemin and then to Doyoung with a questioning look painted across their faces.

Right then, Jaemin received a call. _‘My Injunnie.’_

“Hello?” Jaemin whispered, voice unsure.

_“Jaemin-ah, are you done with the pre-recording?”_

“Yeah, we’re just chilling here,” he said and looked up to everyone who had their eyes on him.

_“Meet me at the rooftop? I’m here.”_

Jaemin ended the call and got up on his feet. “Hyungs, I’ll be back in a bit.”

The rest nodded and returned to their fits of laughter in conversation.

Before he left, Dejun stood up and walked up to Jaemin. Holding Jaemin’s arm, he offered a genuine knowing smile. “Good luck.” 

\--

As soon as the doors opened, Jaemin’s eyes were already glued to Renjun who was back facing him. The latter was looking over the ledge of the rooftop with his chin resting on his arm. Just like Jaemin did, Renjun had changed out from his stage outfit, wearing his favourite striped sweatshirt that swallowed his small figure. After what felt like an eternity, Renjun turned around to face Jaemin. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin mumbled, breaking the unsettled silence between them.

“No, I’m sorry. I know everything that’s been happening has been stressing you out a lot. And before we clarify anything about us. I just want you to know that we all are worried. Including the Dream members. I know they, or we, got a little excited when Yangyang began to join us, but we missed you. We didn’t mean to push you aside. I admit we did that a little.”

“In all honesty, you were being a little too negative, so we casted you aside knowing that we’d have much more fun without you,” Renjun continued, balancing his watchfulness and being careful. "But what we turned a blind eye to was the fact that you were suffering, and we failed to see that."

“Join us? We are planning something at the usual restaurant,” Renjun offered with a small hopeful smile.

Jaemin nodded in agreement. Silence fell between them again. This time, a comfortable silence. 

“About us,” Renjun took a deep breath. “I love you, I still and always do.” 

“Renjun, there’s nothing between Jeno and I,” Jaemin said, almost pleading.

“No, I know. Jeno likes you a lot, you know. It felt incomparable. I was jealous.”

Jaemin’s heart clenched upon hearing it from Renjun. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“Yeah I have. He didn’t say much after, but he said it’s okay.”

“He means it, Jaemin. Don’t treat him differently. We’ll get through this together. All of us 00z.” 

Renjun reached into his pocket for something shining. A plated bracelet which he carefully placed on Jaemin’s wrist. The plated bracelet had their birthdates along with their initials. Remembering that Renjun had always wanted a bracelet like such, Jaemin chuckled, “You got it?” Tearing his eyes from the bracelet, Jaemin examined Renjun’s expression and felt relieved that he was much more relaxed than he had been in the past few weeks. 

“I have a matching one,” Renjun beamed, holding his hand up.

Jaemin missed that smile. With his heart soaring, Jaemin threw his arms around Renjun’s small frame and pulled him close. Renjun slung his arms around Jaemin’s neck, and Jaemin leaned in to press a gentle kiss on the latter’s lips. He shut his eyes, focused on the way Renjun’s soft lips fit into his. His scent, he smelled like home, and it honed all the power to give back the life Jaemin had lost. He swears his world had never felt more complete. 

He pulled away with a wide grin, the rays of the sunset falling onto Renjun’s cheeks. 

“I love you too, Huang Renjun.” 

  
  


_You’re my missing puzzle piece; finally, I solved it._  
_You filled every piece of my heart, even the scarred parts to the fullest,_  
_and somehow, you’ve become my everything, my missing puzzle piece._

**Author's Note:**

> pardon the struggles with the language from start to end i kinda got into a mini writers block halfway through, and had a big contemplation between the tenses. but finally, i finished it!
> 
> also guess who's gonna do a spin off for doyoung and xiaojun. : )


End file.
